Andrew and I were talking on the way home the other day, and I told him that I don’t know how I do this job somedays. We talked about all the things that happen in one day, and all the people I talk to, teach and counsel and I wonder how I got here – I mean, I don’t even remember applying to the job, and that’s not me at all! I know that behind all of this there is something else at work, something bigger, someone who sees the whole picture and who speaks through me in ways that I struggled with before. Im just a girl, but God’s making things happen. Im in the middle of an adventure of a lifetime and Im excited, so beware, this might get long!
I have been running the Relapse Prevention module in the Life Recovery Program for 2 weeks now - the guys graduated today! As they were talking around the room about their time here, I heard them refering to things we have talked about throughout the program, things they have learned, and Its amazing to be the one they are smiling at and looking at while they talk about their experiences.
At one point, one of the guys talked about how he came in thinking he didn’t have a problem, and how during the program he realized that without a doubt, he did. I remember that day, It was about a week and a half ago. He said it with laughter in his voice wondering how he never saw it before. We all cheered and laughed with him, because now recovery and change was possible. Denial rejects the possibility of healing.
There have been a few times in Treatment where I find myself in a standoff. The client is challenging me, the centre, the program, or his conditions under parole. I have learnt that these are some of the best learning experiences for both of us, and/or the group as a whole. At one point during Program, I stopped what we were doing and talked about the disrespect, lack of participation, attitude, etc that was happening. We talked about how if a person is not committed to recovery, if they do not work hard at it, they will find themselves back in the cycle of addiction, and most likely back in jail. You have to want it, and you have to fight for it. They weren’t. They were frustrated and tired from days of digging and searching and getting to the bottom of their addictions. It’s emotionally draining. Stopping program for that 20 minutes was a way of telling them that if they wouldn’t fight for their recovery, I would. I wouldn’t sit there and watch them give up, because they are stronger than that. I see more when I look at them. This is the only place (in my experience) where you can tell someone that you don’t want to see them (here) again and mean it as a way of genuine support and encouragment. After this “discussion” one of the guys stayed after, thanked me, and told me that he learnt more in that situation and conversation than anything else in his time here…whoa. I was shaking.
My days for the past 6 weeks have been spent in program. At first as a “co-facilitator” and by the end I was the only facilitator in the room. Im being pushed and learning like crazy. There were 5 guys in program – all but one from the jail, still serving their sentances. They are all men, all addicts, and they are all at least 10 years older than me. Some of them have committed crimes that make me….well, really stinkin mad. But it is an amazing thing to sit and talk with these men and watch the layers peel away. For many, what is left is an abused, neglected, broken, hurt, and lost child in need help.
A lot of these men have been seen the same way for their entire lives – “The drunk. The addict. The abuser. The predator.” The world tells them that this is all there is to them, no depth, purpose or meaning. There are nobodys, the hated ones and the ones who have been given up on. They pass through the system, sometimes for years being identified as the guy who won’t make it or the one who will never change. The truth is, you never know.
My mom has wisdom that blows me away. Earlier this year she said something that I will never forget. In a conversation we were having, she said that you never know when something will click inside a person. You never know which time will make a difference in that person’s life, and you never give up whether it’s the 2nd time or the 50th. One of the guys here has been in and out of programs and prison for the past 15 years. He’s very committed to his recovery and works so hard that by the end of the day he is ready to pass out. Just an hour ago he brought me a dream catcher he made as a gift for me - he leaves in 2 weeks and will be missed, especially by me. He wants to be a good father to his baby boy, to make things right with the people he has hurt and to maybe be a counsellor in a few months when he will have been sober for 2 years. He has dreams and goals and a determined heart. Will he relapse? Maybe. But he’s a good man who has lived a life full of abuse, deceit, addiction, etc.
When you see the lives these men have lived and the ways they grew up, it almost makes sense that they are where they are. The past is in no way an excuse for the behaviours that landed them in prison, and is not to be blamed for the addictions they have been trapped in, but it makes sense. This criminal was once a little boy abused by his father and left by both parents to fend for himself and his siblings for days on end. At a young age, he became the provider and stealing was no longer wrong, but necessary. He wasn’t learning how to live a healthy and positive life, he learnt how to survive. These men have stories upon stories about death, loss, abuse, neglect, addiction, unhealthy and abusive relationships, etc. It is here that you begin to see the reasons behind the addiction, and the heart of the person trapped behind walls and walls of pain, loss and grief.
The selfish part of all this…I feel like my life makes sense when I am here.
During graduation today, one of the guys who has continually challenged me and called me on gave me a polished rock. He told us that he wanted me to have it because despite his pushing and “testing” thoroughout his time here, I persisted and continued to challenge him despite the things he said or did. He thanked me for being a rock. Who knew that as a teacher, you would be the one learning and growing so much…?
